" . . . and now, your office supply superstore . . . . . . David Letterman!"

ACT 1:
Monologue joke: "Here's a sign the economy is in bad shape: earlier today, Dick Cheney invited his stock broker to go hunting."

Great Moments in Presidential Speeches:
The President is asked if we are prepared for the next Katrina or the next calamity. The President assures those in the audience, "Uhhh,. . . . the . . . . . uhhhhm . . . ." I took that to mean everything will be fine.

ACT 2:
For your records at home:
Filling in tonight on keyboards for Paul Shaffer is Michael Bearden.
And in for our announcer Alan Kalter is Monica Trombetta.

We all know the economy is now below the dumps. It's just awful. You're down to your final $20. What are you gonna do? Buy booze. That's what Dave would do if he still did such. But there is an alternative. Dave says to go to your bookstore and pick up the "Late Show Fun Facts" book now on sale. It's a fun read. And don't just take Dave's word for it . . . . it's got the Oprah Book Club seal of approval. You may ask, "What do I get in the Late Show Fun Fact book?" Simple, think of the Top Ten without the numbers. Dave opens the book to page 23 and reads 4 items. In addition, not only do we learn a little something about Mamie Eisenhower, we are treated to a lovely photo of Ms. Ike. And that's just on one page. Multiply that by 240 and you'll say to yourself, "Only $20?!"

Dave recaps the John McCain/Late Show saga, reviewing the events that unfolded last week which "forced" the Senator to cancel his appearance on the show. It left less than an hour to book someone and we got that guy with the giant head from MSNBC . . . . huge head . . . . . Olbermann. Now we hear McCain is thinking of coming back, and he might bring Sarah along. More to come. Remember, the road to the White House runs through the Late Show.

And now it's time for "A Message from John McCain"
- "I have / hundreds of / homes / in / all four corners of the earth."

A guy enters from the skyline behind Dave. He is carrying a Late Show Fun Facts book and he stands just to the side of Dave's desk.
DAVE: "I'm sorry, can I help you?"
GUY: "I'm here for the book signing."
DAVE: "There is no book signing.
GUY: "Oh . . . . . will you sign my book?"
DAVE: "Okay" (Dave takes the book and looks for a place to sign) "Did you hear about Mamie Eisenhower? Who . . . who do I make it out to?"
The guy suddenly grows nervous. His eyes dart to the left, to the right, and back to the left. Suddenly like a three-legged cat, the guy grabs the book from Dave and runs out through the back of the Ed Sullivan Theater.
The guy must have got spooked by something.

The Town Hall format in Tuesday's debate was believed to be an advantage for McCain. He is very comfortable in that format, but it certainly didn't come through that night. We take a look at a clip of a somewhat confused Senator McCain. Brokaw: "Quick question. Is health care in America a privilege, a right, or a responsibility?"
We cut to McCain. He walks slowly across the stage. Stops. Wanders off to the side. Continues to walk and roam. Walks some more. We hear moderator Tom Brokaw try to get McCain's attention, but the Senator has other things on his mind. My guess was "ice cream."

LATE SHOW DEBATE RECAP: Did you miss the Presidential debate Tuesday night? Well, we have all you need to know in this "Late Show Debate Recap."
We see McCain and Obama talk about overhead projectors, my friends, "that one", ear marks, Fannie, Freddie, and a rotting corpse.
Now you're up to speed.

ACT 3:
BILL MURRAY
The always entertaining Bill Murray enters to huge applause, but he looks a bit confused and disappointed. This set up is not what he expected even though it's the Sullivan set hasn't changed much over the years. Bill was expecting a different format. He looks around and moans, "This isn't how I shine." But Bill expected something like this. Plans in the head so often don't match the plans on the floor. So Bill brought along 12 people he found in Grand Central; 12 people who are undecided about Dave and Dave's show. The scrim rises and we see the dozen seated in a 4X3 matrix. Bill takes off his jacket, rolls up his sleeves, and begins the Town Hall format which he works more to his liking.

First Question: "Hi, Bill, my name is Alan Peters. I'm wondering, was it fun making 'Caddyshack'?"
Bill, as kindly as possible, tells Alan that the question pertains to a 30-year-old film. If he really wants to know he should Google it and read about it. Bill wishes he has a nickel for every time he's been asked about "Caddyshack." Tonight's Town Hall is all about today. Bill tells Alan to get lost. Alan begins to leave but Dave is concerned that he won't be able to find his way back to Grand Central. Bill assures, "The streets are all numbered. Get out of here"

Question #2: "Hi, Dave, my name is Larry Dorgan. Who's your favorite guest to have on the show?"
Dave gives it some thought. After a moment Dave answers, "Tom Hanks." Bill, of course, is a little . . . . hurt. Bill points out that Dave and he have a fundamental difference. Before Bill says something in Dave's presence, he takes into consideration how his answer will affect Dave. Dave, obviously, doesn't take the time to do the same in Bill's presence. Bill offers Dave another chance to answer the question, advising him not to rush into his answer. Dave comes up with "Julia Roberts." Bill decides to go on to the next question.

Question #3: "Hi, Bill, my name is Linda Sullivan. How soon is this going to be over?"
Bill approaches Ms. Sullivan. He ignores the question. He is taken by her charm and beauty. He refers to her as a "Kodiak Cutie," akin to the Alaskan governor and V.P. candidate Sarah Palin. He asks, "Are you married?" Not pleased with his approach, Linda answer that she is. Bill continues, "Hmmm, are you from a swing state?" and "Are you ready for change?" and if she is having any sudden strong feelings. A bit disgusted with the direction this has taken, Linda says, "If I had to make a choice, I'd rather have a beer with 'that one.' (pointing to Dave). Dave of course is quite happy with the turn. But . . . . . Linda adds, "You know what, you are both pretty creepy. I'm leaving. Anyone else? Who's joining me? Come on." Linda leaves, and the others follow. Bill reminds them all to vote.

Back from commercial, Dave holds up a photo of Bill preparing to parachute from a plane. This past summer at the 50th Annual Chicago Air and Water Show, Bill was somehow talked into taking the jump with the Scarlet Knights. Bill quickly corrects himself, pointing out the Scarlet Knights are from Rutgers. Bill jumped with the United States Army Golden Knights Parachute Team. Nervous? Of course. And it doesn't help that for 72 hours before the jump your friends are calling making all these death jokes. Bill then goes into the best description I've heard of what it's like minutes before the jump. The plane was 2-and-a-half miles above Chicago. There is little air up there and any exertion exhausts you in seconds. Everyone is fighting for the oxygen hose. Everything else about the petrifying jump is covered with jokes and false bravado. But no one was joking when it came to the oxygen. It sounded as if a fight could have easily broken out but there was not enough air to sustain it. And it's cold way up there, like maybe 20 degrees, and it was August. Bill had Army Staff Sgt. Joe Jones who would be riding down with Bill on parachute. If my life depended on another guy and his name was Joe Jones . . . . . uhhh, I think I would ask for some proof of identity. Joe Jones sounds like an alias to me. Jones is strapped to Bill's back and since Bill is taller than Joe, Bill has to lug him around. Joe's feet couldn't touch the floor as they prepared for the leap. And at the front of the wide-open plane was this huge guy who would grab you and "escort" you out the door, 13,000 feet above the ground. There was no telling this guy, "Never mind." Once you are thrown out, the physical sensation of falling at 120 mph is so great it overwhelms any fear you may have. And when the chute opens, everything is so peaceful.
Would he do it again? Maybe with that same team, but he isn't too eager to do it again.
The Cubs? What's the deal? Bill is a big Cubs fan and has been for years. He looks upon the team's 100-year fasting of World Series champagne very philosophical. The Cubs are like life. Not everything ends in a championship. There are defeats and setbacks, but you have to keep going, keep trying. And he is not happy that "booing" has started to infiltrate the beautiful Wrigley Field. That's not supposed to happen. He thinks it comes from the new Cub "fans." Those who have been with the Cubs as long as Bill know better. You don't boo the Cubs.
Bill's new film, "City of Ember," opens Friday. It's on my list of movies to see.

ACT 5:
Announce: "Hey, America! The Tony Mendez Show is back with an all-new episode! Tune in and watch the excitement as Tony gets his annual flu shot. And if you enjoy a good read, 'Late Show Fun Facts' is now available at fine retailers everywhere!
We'll be right back."

ACT 7:
BECK: From his new album, "Modern Guilt," the Grammy Award-winning Beck performed "Gamma Rays."

And that was our show for Thursday, October 9, 2008.



Many were out yesterday due to Yom Kippur. Those here filled the gap. I find the trade-off worth it because the commute in and out is so smooth and easy. In fact, every Yom Kippur I time my morning commute. It's my baseline for the year to see how long my drive could be. And from that I calculate how much time I spend in traffic every other day of the year. My quickest drive in to work was about 8 years ago: 24 minutes. It was great. Every light was green, everybody stayed in the right lane who should have; and everything broke my way. Unfortunately, yesterday's drive in didn't quite work out that way. At the first Stop sign out of my neighborhood, I hate to wait for 5 cars to pass. I couldn't believe it. This is Yom Kippur! And one of those damn cars was in no rush to get to where it was going. Ugh. He was killing my time. And then I hit every red light on the way. I figured if I had left 30 seconds earlier I would have beaten those first 5 cars at the Stop sign and in turn, not have hit the red lights. The Palisades Parkway found some idiot in the left lane doing only 10 miles an hour over the limit. That screwed me too. And then when I got to the city, the lights weren't working with me. It was a struggle the whole way. My time: 30 minutes. That's 25% more than my personal best. I was disappointed. But there's always next Yom Kippur.

And Yom Kippur is also a "character" in one of my favorite scenes in film history. Ray Milland in "The Lost Weekend" is desperate for a drink to squelch the incredible desire for alcohol. He has no money. He has no liquor. Desperate, the struggling writer decides to hock his typewriter. Delirious, he walks the streets of New York, typewriter clutched to his chest, in search for a hock shop. But every hock shop is closed. Desperate, confused, sick, Milland asks a passerby, "Why are all the pawn shops closed?" He is told it's Yom Kippur. He knows that most of the pawn shops are Jewish owned, but asks what about Gallagher's and Kelly's? He is told they have an agreement; the Irish pawn shops are closed on Yom Kippur and the Jewish pawn shops are closed on St. Patrick's Day.
I always laugh at his "luck" of trying to hock his typewriter on the one of the two days a year all the pawn shops are closed.

And that's my Yom Kippur stories.

My daughter Dominique is reading "City of Ember "for school. She likes to write but doesn't like to read much, though she is loving this book. I want to take her to see "City of Ember" but haven't told her yet. I think I'll wait until she's finished reading the book. I don't want her to take the easy way out.
Whenever there is a movie that is also a book, everybody will say "The book was better." It's not because they really think the book was better, but because they want you to know they read a book.

My invitation remains open to any Late Show Intern who would like to write an issue of the Wahoo Gazette. The first one to approach me and say, "Mike, I want to write a Wahoo," will be given that chance. The opportunity has been out there for a week now. This tells me one of two things:
No Late Show Intern wants to write a Wahoo
No Late Show Intern reads the Wahoo

Former NBA great Elgin Baylor resigned as Vice President of Basketball Operations after 22 years with the Los Angeles Clippers due to "philosophical differences." Current management is interested in championships, and for 22 years Elgin Baylor has been interested in lottery picks.

Major League Baseball Uniform answer from yesterday.
I asked what 6 Major League Baseball Teams have road jerseys without their city or state name across the chest.
For instance: The New York Mets have "Mets" on their home uniform; "New York" on their road uniform. Six teams have their team name on both their home and road uniforms.

1. Tampa Bay Rays - they have "Rays"
2. Baltimore Orioles - they have "Orioles" -- I read where they will have "Baltimore" on their road jersey for the first time in 36 years for the upcoming 2009 season.
3. Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim - they have "Angels"
4. Philadelphia Phillies - they have "Phillies"
5. Milwaukee Brewers - they have "Brewers"
6. St. Louis Cardinals - they have "Cardinals"

How does my list match with yours? And am I right?

CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER
Johnson City 1; Oneonta 0 - Scoring the winning goal on a one-timer, it's Kevin McIntee.
This concludes another episode of CAMEO MENTION OF A WAHOO READER.

Michael Z. McIntee
mikemack@aol.com